Dilemma

So Z’s in a fucker of a bad mood and I haven’t the faintest idea why.

We were gonna go out with his folks for dinner tonight (they invited us), but he texted me a few hours ago saying his mum was feeling ill, and that he would just come over and we would watch films. Shortly after, he rang me, said he was really pissed off, and that he was going to get drunk and ‘get in a fight’ instead. He’d see me tomorrow, ‘maybe.’

It could be something to do with his folks, or maybe he’s fallen out with someone, but that’s happened before and he’s come over and talked to me about it. This time, he’s not coming over OR talking.

Maybe he’s been on here. It would explain why he’s not telling me why he’s pissed off, because that would put some of the blame on him, since I’ve expressly asked him not to search for this blog, or read it if he found it. It’s anonymous, but there’s still ways of finding it – if someone knows me really well, they can search specific terms in search engines and probably find it. Maybe he’s seen the URL while I’ve been reading from it, or the host, or my username, and searched it.

The reason I moved to wordpress in the first place is because I’d used his name in some of my earlier posts, and the blog was found (embarassingly) by his parents. I’ve since changed the name of the blog, and the names of most of the people from RL mentioned, in order that I could start posting publicly again. Some of my friends know the existence of the blog, but I’ve never given out the URL.

It seems like writing this has given me more grief than it has benefits - nobody fucking reads it anyway. I don’t see why I have this urge to make everything publicly available. It’s certainly a bit rich of me to demand privacy from close friends when I’ve made no move to ensure my own privacy other than trust and anonymity. I suppose I just like the freedom of being able to type thoughts away into the lonely abyss of of cyberspace – there’s comfort in knowing that there’s a possibility of someone out there reading it than nobody at all. Or worse, somebody I know. All of this stuff has been written right off the bat – if I’d known I was genuinely at risk of somebody reading it again, I’d have editted it all to sound like things I would actually say to people I know, rather than thoughts I have no intention of sharing, ever.

The offending post has now been set to private, in any case. If he has read it, though, the damage is done. I’m still not sure whether to be sorry or indignant. Maybe a little bit of both.

I’m going to feel really silly if all this turns out to be something completely unrelated to me. And quite self-centred as well.

But if I’m right, then he’s probably going to read this, so it’s for his benefit: You might as well get in touch and have this out with me, because all I’m going to be doing is worrying until you do.

EDIT (2/9/08): Turns out, it was something to do with his folks. Ha ha ha. Oh dear. Have learned valuable lesson though.